Shattering the Dreams

I...
Was the one
Who brought down the hammer
That plundered all my dreams.
My Dreams...
They were an anomaly
A world apart
From what the World
Expected,
Demanded!
And so, I shattered them.
One by One,
I shattered them.
I shattered them,
Till each and every
Tiny hope became a shard.
And then kept at it
Till every shard
Was speckled with the blood
Of my Desires
Of my Laughter.
I shattered them,
Until nothing remained
But Ruins that evoked
Immeasurable pain and fear.
Pain and fear
Such that I would never
Dare to Dream again.
And there would never be
Any Dream to shatter ever again.

A Tribute to my Daddiji

Yesterday... At midnight, I shut the door to the room and let opened the one where I keep all my pain hidden. I let lose the storm churning inside me. I cried, I sobbed, I simpered, I bawled my eyes out. I broke down the same way I had when you had left me alone two years back. I felt the loneliness wash back yet again. And I tried to reconcile with it. I don't think I did though.

Today... I pretended. I laughed, I worked, I ate, I read... I procrastinated. Putting off this communication once again. Because I know what I want to say is too potent to come out right. What I want to say is so huge that I don't have the words to express it. But I am gonna give it my best shot because that is what you always asked of me, Daddiji.

Everyday... I miss you. I miss the sound of your full bodied laughter. The one that you gave in to so often. Things that we looked over, never paid mind to, you used to find joy in them and let your laugh express and share those joys. I don't remember a time when I did not inadvertently give in to the urge to at the least smile upon hearing your laugh. I don't smile that much now. Almost never about silly little joyful things. I don't notice them. Not without you.

Everyday... I miss your booming voice. The voice of the wisest man I have known infused with the enthusiasm of a child. I miss how you used to wait for my return from school so that you can say, "What brilliant English they use in Economic Times. Lao, bhaiya, zarra paper leke aao. Dikhaye tumko." You used to keep aside the page you wished to show me - a para, a headline or a phrase that had struck your fancy and you wished to share with me. Nobody does that for me anymore. Nobody shares that joy with me. Not since you.

Every morning that... I come down those curved stairs at our home, beneath which was your study desk, I miss our game of gushing out, "Good Morning, Daddiji! How are you?" You taught me these little nuggets of behaviour that enchant people around me these days. The use of simple greetings and courtesies. And I miss using them with you. I wish, I beg, I pray to get a reply juts once in your voice gushing out equally fast, "Fine! Fine! How are you?" I am not fine. Not without you.

You used to lend me your ear and your wisdom without complaint. In some ways you have made me wise beyond my years but never at the cost of my childhood. If anything you made my childhood a fun-filled discovery. I remember a cut out - a coloured photo of the then Britannia CEO, his hair half black and half white with 'Black and White' captioned in bold. I remember your favourite saying. It was by A.B.Vajpayee and you improved on it made it your own. You used to say it every so often, "My house is my Hospital, my Hotel and it is my Home." I remember the first English word you taught me. "Thirsty". I get the meaning of it now more than ever. Because you are not here.

You treated me an equal. We were both children and adults. On or the other at different times. But always in sync with each other. Remember, how you used to pretend in front of everyone that you are scared of me when it comes to sneaking food you are not supposed to eat. And remember, the moment Mom used to go out of kitchen after serving dinner, you used to point at ketchup and pickles and I used to give in and sneak you some. 

Remember watching all those Raj Kapoor movies together in 2000 when they used to air it on Sony. And the time when we went to Mughal-e-Azam after it was released in colour. You translated all those Urdu words for me.

Remember talking about politics and partition. The tales of your birthtown Bannu. Remember talking about Indian cinema, the golden ages. Remember how we used to talk about anything and everything under the sun.

Remember how on every birthday I used to rush down, accost you and demand you give me you Blessing. I remember that expressing emotions never came easy to you but ever so gently you used to place your hand on my head and say, "My Blessings." and then pat my back. Those were the best presents.

 Remember you used to hand over your entire Diwali bonus to me. To me. And just that gesture made Diwali so much special to me... And then you demanded your grand send-off and abandoned me on Diwali itself. Diwali has never been a celebration since then. I doubt it ever will be.

Today is the second anniversary of losing you. And I have not healed. If anything I hurt more each day. I wish your presence, your guidance, your love, your wisdom a little bit more some day. Sometimes I wish you'd haunt my dreams. Sometimes I wish to hear a whisper of your voice in my ears. And each day I grow up a little bit knowing it won't happen. Ever.

They say time heals. Liars! If you love someone truly, you never get over missing them. Nobody can replace them. They leave their imprints and nothing and nobody can erase them. I cannot stop loving you and I cannot stop missing you.  Never.

But, don't you worry. I know you are still here. In all these memories, in all those Blessings. And I know in each and every cell, every pore of my being that I am loved, cherished and watched over by you. I know that you were, are and always will be my Guardian Angel.

I miss you Daddiji!






 

Your Friendship Remains

Of Flowers and Friendship
And the glow they bestow
These blooms may wither 
But your friendship remains.

Through thunderstorms and showers
Scary nights and sunny days
Days, years, even eternities may vary
But your friendship remains.

Your friendship remains
The strength of my convictions.
The power behind my will.
Always the voice compelling me
Never letting me stay 
Nor letting me quit.

Your friendship remains
The reason that keeps my faith intact.
The unseen force behind me 
Always on guard,  keeping me safe.
Stealing my sorrows
Borrowing my pain.

Your friendship remains
For me 
Through thick and thin
And You
My very own angel
Not just guiding me
But holding together
The frayed ends of the rope
Waiting patiently for me to cross over
Every broken and burnt bridge.

And You 
Become my safety net
Everytime I take that leap of faith
And everytime I am drowning
Sometimes, plunging into the dark abyss
You jump right in and pull me back
From those depths of despair,
With the magic you weave
in that one silent whisper that says:
"I am always here. My friendship remains."

 
 

Hold You Prisoner II

I pace inside my cage

And my distress

Makes you pace outside

But it means nothing to me

Anymore.

I rescued you

Taught you love

Fought for you

When you had lost

I made you 

What you are today

And you in turn

Made me what I am

Even now I look at you

Helpless and part ashamed,

Your eyes begging me

For reassurance.

I give it to you

Sort of.

My tears I won't waste

On you

Instead a benign smile 

Plays at my lips

I see the doubt dawn on you

The Fear claw at your heart

You don't get it

You never will

That I smile because

You needed a cage 

To imprison me

But I, I hold you prisoner

With my smile Alone,

And guess what?

My smile says it all.

Hold You Prisoner I

There was something mystical about her.

So Magical.

Her aura was so pure.

So pleasing to touch.

She was mine.

My lady in shining armour.

She slayed the demons and dragons that haunted me.

She slayed them even in my nightmares.

She was the one who turned my nightmares

Into Dreams.

I never wanted to let her go.

Her mysticism. Her magic.

She was the enchantress.

And I, I was enchanted.

I will never let her go

And so,

I started building a cage.

A cage around her.

A cage to ground her.

A cage of gold

And diamonds.

Glued together by

Seeds of self-doubt 

That I painstakingly planted 

In her mind.

Tear Drop

Today, it was the wind

That was your messenger

I put my hand

Out the window

And it sieved through

Frolicking around your ring

Then a moment approached

When subtly; very vaguely, it

Squeezed my hand and let go

A gentle reminder really

Of your being there

I closed my eyes

And inhaled your presence

And very gently the wind,

You, caressed my cheek

Whispering sweet nothings 

Into my ears.

For a second forces met

Forces changed

And with the gale

You were gone yet again

Leaving me alone once more

But not bereft

A smile formed on my lips

A slightly sceptic one,

But a smile nonetheless.

A smile that still believed

Believed that you exist.

Now, I raise my face

To the sky

And meet you

Eye to eye,

I open my arms for you

And you rain all over me

Your first drop

Meets my first tear

And that is how

We commune and cry...

Writings in Blood

I turned back the pages,
And was left aghast
By the pain that was wrought
All over the pristine paper.


Was that blood mine? 
That which dripped onto this page
Through the nib of my pen.
Or of those who are mine? 


These words that scream
The hidden truths,
The loss, the agony.
Is this voice my own,
Or of those who are mine?


These histories,
They are not golden.
They glow with the red 
Of hysteria, of Hell.


And my poor soul writhes
When I turn back the pages
Repeatedly, I churn my poor soul
In the black shadows
Of angst, of denial, of abuse.


The angst, the denial, the abuse
That even I know not -
Are mine 
Or of those who are mine.

It's been forever since I went there. Our magical spot, where we would see those millions and billions of shining stars that tweak our destiny, here and there. This Valentine's Day, I decided to drive out there and gaze at those twinkling gems. More than that I hoped that one of those gems was you, still lighting up my life in that special way of yours.


And for the first time, as I stood there gazing up and trying to get a good connection set up with you, did I perfectly understand what you meant, each time you suddenly decided to drive all the way out here. Each and every time you parked in this safe haven of emptiness and looked at the abundant sky. Each and every time that you turned away from that lit up midnight miracle, to gaze into my eyes with that profound meaning in yours. I understand now, why you said each and every time we did this -


"It makes perfect sense to drive out of town, every once-in-a-while, to see the stars shining down upon us..."

OH MAN!!!!

There were around twelve thousand of them on bikes carrying the saffron flags to hide their mischief behind. Together they chorused, "JAI SHREE RAM", "JAI SHREE RAM"

Upstairs, in a shadowed room a voice groaned. Pulling the sheets off his face, Ram rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. Hair all tousled, he looked like a disgruntled angle.

"JAI SHREE RAM!"

He groaned again. "Oh Man! Not again."

Jumping out of bed he pulled out his rucksack and started stuffing things in it haphazardly with one hand, while he speed dialed Rahim with his other hand.

"Hey, wassup?" answered a velvety voice from the other side.

"How do you feel about a spot of vacation?" Ram asked.

"Something up?" Rahim queried.

"Nope just some thousand of my so called followers shouting slogans and heading towards the area of your so called followers. Get the picture?"

"Oh Man!" exclaimed Rahim," Again! I still haven't recovered from the havoc they created in our name last time. Damn it, how they make us wanna curse and swear."

Now that he knew the reason for Ram's frustration, he let his own frustration be heard loud and clear on the phone. You could almost see him sighing and shaking his head from side to side in disappointment.

"Whose idea was it to create these idiots anyway?"

"I think it was Jesus's daddy, wasn't it?"

They both groaned again. But then Ram visibly fought his anger and smiling slightly he said,"Chill yaar, time for some R and R, i say. Get the pun," pride evident in his voice.

Rahim groaned, "For your sake! Stop with your poor jokes already. I'll come with you only on the condition that you won't crack a single joke the entire trip. What did you have in mind, huh?"

"Hmm....I've been thinking about 127 hours in the Grand Canyon, what say?"

"Alright, see you there in an hour around. And while you are at it ask Jesus if he wants to join us as well?" And Rahim cut the call.

Still packing, Ram called up Jesus. "Hey there, are you up for a short break at the Canyons?"

"Oh Man! You mean they are doing it again?" said Jesus from the other end 

Pain is all I have
Pain is all I feel
Will you...
Share it with me

Pain is all I got
Pain is all I see
Will you...
Bear it with me

Breathless!!
Chest heaving.
World!!
Is receding.

I asked
For your help
I asked
For your gospel.

You handed me
Nectar
You waved me
Goodbye.

Senseless!!
I lay at your feet.
Lifeless!!
I'm finally free.

Rules Of The Game

It whizzed past your ear
The surprised look on your face
Pure priceless.
You had thought
I didn't know the rules
And all the while I was
The one playing you instead.

I just stood at one spot
Waiting for you

To send everything my way.

While I made you run
On my whims and fancies

All over that court

And across as well.

You didn't give it your all
Scared you'll hurt me
Maybe even scar my feelings.
I let you have your way
A drop here, a miss there
'Cus it felt nice to know
That's how much you cared.


And so it became
A new game altogether
A game that was all mine
The power of it enthralled
For I was the one making
The rules of this game
And it felt almost divine.


Yet there was a lost charm
For I never was the one
To fool someone for long.
The thrill for me 
Is always in the victory
Of beating someone
Who is my equal in all.


You look at me uncertain
You give me all you got
I know you wish
That I'd take it
And allow you to play
All those moves you've been
Holding back on for so long.


In a split second
I send it sailing back at you
In tandem we move now.
We take it up a notch
And turn it into a heady waltz
Knowing all too well
That the rules of the game
Are yet to be formed.

DASTAAN...

Prologue


She always wondered why they had named her Dastaan. After all it was a very unusual name. So what was the Dastaan behind her name then?


And that night while the storm raged outside and they sat all cozy inside, she looked up to see her Dad smiling at her in the way that was reserved only for her. The smile that said 'you make my world beautiful'. And suddenly she asked, "Why did you name me Dastaan?" 


They looked at her, a bit puzzled.


"I mean I love my name. But why Dastaan?"


She listened to them trying to explain, blubbering and disoriented at first. Calling her a story, a tale, a saga etc. And then they got into the flow  and told her about -


The Dastaan that was their life. A Dastaan they lived. Their own Dastaan.

CHAPTER - 3

As she heard them talk, she could see it all happening in her mind's eye. That was the way she imagined it happened anyhow.


She imagined the astonishment on her Dad's face when on their first meeting her Mum, a complete stranger to him then, leapt into his arms sobbing. She could imagine her Mum clinging harder to him with each thunderbolt and Dad trying to soothe her and falling in love with her. Right then and there.


She could imagine her father, the dream of every romantic woman, wooing her Mum. And her mother, the idea of every man's perfect woman, let herself be courted. She could see the pain on those young faces when they parted and her father went to the war.


She could almost see the destruction that shadowed her Dad's face whenever he thought nobody was looking for years after serving in that infernal war. She remembered those videos from her childhood where her father would be sitting as if frozen til the time he noticed either Mum or her. That's when a smile would light up his face and crease the corner of his eyes as if some of his pain had just dissipated.


She remembered her childhood then. The bed-time stories, the walks with her father to the ice-cream stands, her first day in school while they waited outside the entire while, icing the star shaped cookies she helped her Mum bake, the trips they took together, the sniffles and the fevers, the football matches and the violin concerts. 


She remembered their presence at every important moment of her life and at those too that she had considered not-so-important at the time but valued now. She remembered being the cause for their joy, their smiles, their pride and sometimes worry.


She remembered being the star in their lives and she understood.


She understood the saga and beyond that was all of their lives. She understood her name better. She understood herself better.


She looked at them still enchanted with each other and smiling that smile that was reserved for her. The smile that said 'you make my world beautiful'. She smiled back with the realization that in her lived on their Dastaan... 

DASTAAN...

Prologue

"But why Dastaan?"

She tried to answer that question. The look of puzzlement across her face keeping his gaze hooked onto her. He smiled that amused smile that always complemented that puzzled look. She walked upto him and leaned over him, her gentle lavender fragrance ensnaring his senses.

"A story, a tale. No! More than that, it is many stories linked into one. No, it's more than that! Actually, all of that and something more. Something more profound, mysterious and encompassing. I don't know how to explain," she muttered. The wonder and exasperation giving her voice a smoky quality.

"Maybe, a saga," he offers, smiling.

And a dastaan it was, their life. A dastaan they lived. Their own Dastaan.

Chapter - 2

He had come back on a stormy night.

She was always there for him it seemed. Waiting. Leaping into his arms out of the blue. Holding onto him with all that was true. That one year of courtship, one year of engagement and one year of marriage. He remembered telling her one night when they lay entangled in each other's embrace, " These three years with you have been the true beginning of my dastaan, the story of my life."

"Our dastaan," she had whispered.

And then the war began and brought with it the year of hell. She supported his decision to serve the nation and became his only thread to humanity while he got sucked into that vortex of destruction. On the days when he saw tiny corpses of toddlers lining the streets, it was the thought of her and of the part of them that grew inside her that kept him going. 

He came back broken in so many ways that he was sure he could never be pieced back together.Now that he thought of it that night the storm wasn't half as violent as the rage storming in his soul.  But then she opened the door and while she stood there with the little whimpering bundle in her hands, he knew he'd found the salve for those hurting jagged ends.

She leaped into his arms, her face wet with tears. His shivering and sobbing  angel. Then she moved back and placed his little girl into his arms and murmured, "Dastaan, sweetheart, look it's your daddy."

And Dastaan looked right at her daddy and reaching up pulled at his nose and smiled. A small bruise on his soul healed and he looked up into her eyes and whispered, "Our Dastaan."

DASTAAN...

Prologue

"Dastaan......dastaan," she murmurs again as she unfolds herself from the couch and walks over to the study table where he is sitting, working on his computer. She leans over him, winds her hands around his neck and whispers the word in his ear.


"A story, a tale. No! More than that, it is many stories linked into one. No, it's more than that! Actually, all of that and something more. Something more profound, mysterious and encompassing. I don't know how to explain," she muttered. The wonder and exasperation giving her voice a smoky quality.


"Maybe, a saga," he offers, smiling.


She frowned. "Maybe."


And a dastaan it was, their life. A dastaan they lived. Their own Dastaan.

Chapter-1


They had met on a dark stormy night. 


Now that she thought of that night it seemed something straight out of a movie; a chapter out of a typical romantic novel; a prose out of those poetry that the loveless poets wrote while imagining themselves in love or being loved.


For her part, she had never been the type to believe in all that fantasy that love seemed to entail. A level head over her shoulder and a purpose in her stride, she never had the time to think about fairy tales.


And then that night she ended up in the role of damsel in distress... 


With a flat tyre, a dead cell phone, a lonely road and a looming storm she could have dealt with. Anyday, anytime. No problem at all. What she could not deal with was the thunder. Thunder was the only thing in the whole wide universe that rendered her mute, terrorized and shaking. And thunder was doing it now, driving her crazy with fear. With each peal of thunder she gathered herself closer, shaking and whimpering while the emergency blinkers of the car flashed on and off in incessant rain.


She had no idea how long she sat there huddled in her seat, rocking to and fro like a lost little girl seeking comfort in the motion, but is seemed like forever. Then he pulled up behind her car. It was too dark to see anything clearly. All she saw was a tall, lean form jump out of a Dodge into the curtain of rain and then her attention was diverted to the bolt of lightning that jagged the sky.


With the next clap of thunder, she threw caution out of the window and dashing out of the car she leapt into his arms; a wet, shivering and sobbing stranger.

What I Feel For You...

What I feel for you
I cannot express
For words so intense
Do not exist.
The purity of my love

Is beyond all evil 

I stand here as an equal

Not as friend, nor a rival.
No restrains
No boundaries
No fences drawn
Yet i hold it contained,
Here inside me since dawn.
Because...
What I feel for you
Is raw, Is untamed,
A blessing, A pain,
Is now, Is forever,
Sunshine and rain.
It is the stuff of legends
What myths are made of.
That part of the truth with
Which lores are paved off.
So I command to release
The lightning
The thunder
The fireworks 
The storm
For in the din of it all
In that one fleeting, 
Passing moment
Will echo
What I feel for you.

No hearth calls to me....
It's the hearts that beat
That binds me
Traps me
Snares me
I have no place
That I can call my own
Bricks put together
Are a house to me
Not a home.

A perfect day it was

Til I came back

To the shattered 

Home that was mine

And none of the shards

Would have hurt me so hard

As did the your smirking eyes

When you saw the shock

Make a cruel dash across my face

None of the fragments

Made me bleed and cry out

As did your echoing laughter

When I looked at you

In silent anguish and betrayal

I wish and I hope

But I'm not numb

The pain refuses 

To leave me

Instead it caresses me

Like you did once

Whispering nothings

In the empty space

Where my heart used to

Beat as one with yours once.

"What is that sheen on your face?"
I panic and reach for my face.
Did my mask just betray me?
Did a tear let on
What I wouldn't say?


Wait...
Give me a moment...


I replace my grief
With yet another smile
The mask is back
In its place again

Those Last Few  Days                                   

There Is A Heightening Of Senses

Every Moment Is Followed

By A Nostalgic Pang

Every Second Gets Bound

Into A Memory

Till A Moment Arrives

When The Memories
Leaden Your Heart So
That Time Ceases To Exist
Or You End Up Hoping
That It Will...

DEATH BE MINE...

Death be kind
Seduce me
Let not life
Reduce me
Let us get tangled
In each other
Let us make
Soft, slow love
Let our souls
Get drenched
Let my passions
Be quenched

Together we'll
Reach the zenith
And then once
We are spent
I'll look you
In the eye
With sated
Unseeing gaze
While you gather
Me in your arms
And murmur
Sweet nothings
In my ears