FINE LINE

It's said:
You keep on insisting that someone Loves you
And the idea takes hold of your mind...

It's also said:

There is a very fine line between

Love and Hate...

Well!!!What If...???

The words keep on flowing
You have a way with them
They feel like silk
Hurt like daggers
I feel panic
I feel the pain
I glance down
At another red stain
All the while you stand there
Looking bewildred
Oh so innocent
While I exist in constant fear
For you know so well -
Exactly where the wounds are
Exactly where are the scars
You keep them scraping afresh
You won't let them stay hidden
My heart cries out tears
My eyes cry out blood
Memories blindfold
Terror strangulates
Gasping out my last breath
I whisper my last prayer -
Love me as I stand!
Love me as I am!

Separations have a way

Of coming back to haunt

I need not be in another world

To feel the distance

That brings us together

And tears us apart

So palpable, that i can almost

Touch it

So bitter, that i almost

Taste it

The cold that has replaced

The warmth

The inches that appear

Miles apart

We can both see the cracks

And the facets hidden beneath

But we hide it behind the desire

Trapped in the loveless quagmire

And with each culmination

My heart demands to know -  

Doesn't it make us cowards

Beneath this shade of denial??

And still i smile

And still i continue

Because I'm so scared

Of hurting you.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. then a deafening SILENCE.
But only for a moment...
The doors burst open and there is a flurry of white lab coats and that deadly crash cart.
They plunge a needle in the center of that once proud chest, now lifeless.
The core of his strength. Now Lifeless. They pull out the electric paddles next.
Charge. Clear. Shock... Charge. Clear. Shock... No PULSE.
Just a jerking listless body, A corpse being flung around due to the force of the deadly current.
Again and Again.

EAch time that body convulsed - a collage of memories too get flung on the mind's eye.
Him, his wisdom, his power, his love, his teachings, his laugh and the one time he cried,
his amazing knowledge and the desire to share it, his benevolent smile and his kind eyes. All of that and Him.

They charge the paddles again and hit him. I stand there in a daze.
Is this really happening! I see them mutilate this person I love. I see the brutality and I think. Or do I? I wish. Or do I? What should I wish for? THat he come alive in that battered body and live his life in that shadow of his former self, A life that for him would never be dignified. Do I dare wish that on him?

And I wish - "GOD! Please, please God! Take away his pain. Just that... Just let his pain be over!"
And then that Silence, again.
He took away the pain and He took him away from me as well.
I just stand there, almost senseless, trying to comprehend it all and hiding myself  from the searing burn of the question, " Did my wish do this? Was it my wish...?

It feels scratchy and unused... My voice which i don't voice often enough. A part that i smothered of my own free will... Smothered into silence. Silence that I use as a shield, more for others than for my own self. Silence as my hideout where i hide my pain and my confusion. And there is so much of me that is lost in the unsaid.

It's not that I have nothing better to tell you about myself. It's just that i realize the intensity of words and the power of wounds. What i may utter without  second thought might be something that you carry in your heart forever and so I keep my silence. But, how is that any better because i am still lying and lies also cause hurt.

Also, it's not just my blues that i camouflage but the whole other side to me as well. They call me a Punjabi sometimes and I admit to being loud and brash. And even that gets silenced in me. I can come up with perfectly timed poor jokes at a moments notice. And yet, there are many a times when I'd bite my tongue on a smart alec comeback or an outright rude commment. Perfectly good jokes and winning arguements wasted.

So here i am putting an effort to introduce or rather, reintroduce myself to all. I have a lot to say and a lot share. I am not the smartest person you'd come across but I still think that what I say holds some worth. And actually, am tired of silences so I demand my say now. Phew! What a relief that finally I Said It!!!

ILLUSIONS

I think of reality

As an Illusion.

It's just that illusions shatter

At the end of the day

It's staying alive that matters

Yes, you can push me around

And you can have your fun

But have you any idea

The strength it takes me

Not to push you back harder

Or what courage goes into

Not running from you farther

The truths that you tell me

And the lies I hear

They come to you so easily

So ordinary yet out of the blue

You think that i don't know

That you take me for a fool

And I feel disgusted at myself

Everytime i prove you true

So it's just as well

That my world is an illusion

'Cus the realities you spin

Play havoc with my emotions

It's just as well

That i know Truth's a lie

Because my numb life has turned

Into a screaming question -

"WHY"???